At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.
Then there was a short moment of silence. -
"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.
What reasons do you put on your accident claim forms?
I blew my horn, but it would not work as it had been stolen.
I unfortunately ran over a pedestrian, and the old gentleman was taken to hospital, much regretting the circumstances.
I thought the side window was down, but it was up, as I found when I put my head through it.
A truck backed through my windscreen into my wife's face.
I ran into a shop window, and sustained injuries to my wife.
I misjudged a lady crossing the street.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house, and collided with a tree I haven't got.
I left my car unattended for a minute, when by accident or design, it ran away.
The other car collided with mine, without giving any warning of its intentions.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer, because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with one of her friends.
Her friend suggested, "There may be a way of selling that car, but it's not going to be legal." "That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."
"Right," replied her friend, "here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on her friend's advice. About one month after that, her friend saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."
New Guidelines issued by the Malta Tourism Authority in preparation for Malta's entry to the European Union!
Always look right and left before proceeding through a green light. (Traffic lights are relatively new on the Islands.)
When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow for oncoming traffic to pass.
Never, ever stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
Learn to swerve abruptly. Malta is the home of slalom driving, thanks to the General Police Headquarters Registry of Motor Vehicles and Works Department of the Ministry for the Environment which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes and panel beaters and tyre companies in business!
Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
Always look both ways when running a red light.
Honk your horn the instant the light changes as you do in any other case. NO horn NO VRT!
Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during rush hours. Breakdown lanes may also end without warning causing traffic jams as people merge back in.
Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.
Making eye contact revokes your right of way.
Please drive carefully and avoid driving in the sun at all cost
especially in the searing heat of summer!
Are we still driving by these rules in Ireland?!!!! or do we have lots of Maltese workers and visitors?
There was this boy who loved tractors, couldn’t stop thinking about them, collected models of them etc. So when he passed his driving test he begged a local farmer to let him drive his tractor.
The farmer relented, but the boy span out of control and almost died, he was in hospital for months. He developed an intense hatred for tractors after the damage they had caused him.
After he got out of hospital, he was in a pub with his girlfriend, it was a bit smokey (obviously not an Irish Pub!) and she stood up to leave. Instead the boy made a strange sucking noise and the smoke cleared.
“How did you do that?” his girlfriend asked.
“It’s easy when you’re an ex-tractor fan.”
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the
accident were serious enough to take the logistics company responsible for the
accident to court.
In court the company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the
lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favourite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?".
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the
fact that, at the accident, this man told the Guarda that he was fine. Now
several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I
believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge
artic and trailer drove through a stop sign and smacked
my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown
into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't
want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she
was in terrible shape just by her groans".
"Shortly after the accident, a Guarda
came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to
her. After he looked at her, he took out
his gun and shot her between the eyes.
"Then the Guard came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at
me.
He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot
her.'
"Then he said, 'How are YOU feeling?'" -
think about it!!!
"Do you believe in life after death?" the
driving instructor asked of his pupil a week after he had cancelled yet another
lesson.
"Yes, " the pupil replied.
"That's good," the instructor said. "Because after you phoned to cancel to go to
your grandmother's funeral, she phoned me to ask me to give you a reminder to
call in to her on your way home from your driving lesson"
Please
email in any good driving humour.
I will try and publish a variety of the best I receive from time to time.