Q: What do you do if you find a spaceman?
A: You park in it, Man!
(Sorry, that's BAD, even for me!!)
A juggler driving to his next performance
was stopped by the police.
"What are those machetes doing in your car?" demanded the cop.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh, yeah? said the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it."
The juggler got out and started tossing and catching the knives. Another
motorist driving by slowed down to watch.
"Wow! " exclaimed the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test
they're giving now!"
Two Americans were holidaying in the west of Ireland.
They leisurely drove their hire car through lots of places but were having problems with some of the names of the places they were visiting.
They really got confused near Galway when they came up with 'OUGHTERARD'. They tried over and over to say the word but didn't feel it was right.
Soon afterwards they stopped for something to eat. When the waitress arrived with their food they said "We cannot figure out how to pronounce the name of this place. Will you say it very slowly so we can understand.
The waitress looks at him strangely and replies slowly
"Buuurrrgerrr
Kiiiinnnng."
Two driving instructors were discussing the pluses and minuses of a new driving school car.
After they had sorted out all the important bits Sean said to Liam "but why did you get one side of the car painted red and he other side painted green?"
Liam replied "when my next pupil has an accident, you want to
see how all the witnesses contradict each other.
HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive?
HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.
BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
All Un-informed Drivers Insulted
All Unnecessary Devices Installed
One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to
catch speeding drivers, an Italian Police Officer sees a car puttering along at
32 km/hour.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he
turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the
front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver,
obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing
exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be
the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that
driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly!
Thirty two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly, pointing to a
road sign.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "32"
was the route (road) number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out
her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single word this
whole time," the officer asks with concern.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 219."
(think about it!)
A policeman pulls over a car on a lonely back road in the
middle of Ireland as it was just getting dark and approaches the driver.
"Sir, is there a reason you're weaving all over the road?"
The driver replies, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window the policeman points to the rear view mirror, and says, "Sir, that's your air freshener."
A driver who had a little too much to drink is driving home from Dublin city one night. His car is weaving violently all over the road with his full lights dazzling anybody near him. A Garda pulls him over and asks "where have you been?".
"Why, I've been to the pub, of course", slurs the drunk
"Well", replies the Garda, it looks as though you have had quite a few this evening, sir"
"I did all right" says the drunk with a smile
"Did you know", says the Garda, standing upright with his arms folded across his chest, "that a few minutes ago your wife fell out of your car as you rounded that corner?"
Oh, thank heavens for that", sighs the drunk, "for a minute i thought I'd gone totally deaf"
Late one Friday night, a Garda /Policeman spotted a man
driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. He pulled the man over
and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. It's Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub
where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour"
and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five of
those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and of course I had to go in for
a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home
to get another bottle for later..." Then, the man fumbled around in his coat
until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the
car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"
I love good family humour, and need to constantly update my illustrations to pupils.
I often use humour in my teaching
to make a point.
Please
email in any good driving humour.
I will try and publish a variety of the best I receive from time to time.