During a
big round up of criminals a Garda (policeman) was outside Murphy's Bar, hoping
for a catch.
At closing time as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry. The man
was so obviously drunk that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the car
park for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys in five other
cars, he finally found his own vehicle.
He sat in the car a for good ten minutes as the other patrons left. He turned
his lights on, then off, wipers on then off, and started to move forward into
the grass, and
then shuddered to a stop.
Finally when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to
drive away.
The Garda, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He
breathalysed him, and to his great surprise the breathalyser registered ZERO!
The Garda was dumbfounded!
"This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the Garda.
"I doubt it," said the drunk, "tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy!"
Murphy was taking a driving lesson. He drove straight through a red light. His instructor stopped him and said he must always stop at a red light, and explained the dangers and consequences of not stopping. Murphy said that his brother never stopped at red lights. Soon after, Murphy drove through another red light and was severely reprimanded for doing so, but again he stated that his brother never stopped at a red light. Shortly after he approached a green light and braked sharply, causing his instructor great discomfort. His instructor asked why he had braked when the light was green. Murphy replied "My brother could be coming through those red lights". We overheard a driver tester talking about a teenager who had just driven an almost perfect test. "He made his only mistake," said the driver tester, "when he stopped to let me out of the car." After breathing a sigh of relief, he exclaimed: "I'm sure glad I don't have to drive like that all the time!"
When making sure his car was ready to go on test, Sean asked his brother Tom to check that his indicator lights worked correctly. He asked Tom to stand at the back of the car, turned on his left indicator, and called "are they working?". Tom replied, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No".
A garda [policeman] was amazed to see an elderly lady flash past him on the M50 doing some
knitting as she drove.
He 'accelerated' up alongside her and shouted,
"Pull over",
She replied, "No, its a scarf!"
I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic.
Driving to work this morning on the motorway,
I looked over to my right and there was a woman
in a Mercedes doing 130 km per hour with her face
up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back
she was halfway over in my lane.
It scared me so badly I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee,
and it spilled all over my mobile phone!
A passenger in a taxi tapped the
driver on the shoulder
to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab,
nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and
stopped just centimetres from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
To which the taxi driver replied,
"I'm sorry,
it's really not your fault, Today is my first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
Jill's car was unreliable and she
called John for a ride every time it broke down.
One day John got yet another one of those calls.
"What happened this time?" he asked.
"My brakes failed," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"
"Where are you?" John asked.
"I'm in the chemist," Jill responded.
"And where's the car?" John asked.
Jill replied, "It's in here with me."
The garda spotted a jay walker and
decided to challenge him:
“Why are you trying to cross here when there
is a zebra crossing only fifty metres away?”.
“Well”, replied the jay walker,
“I hope it is having better luck than me”.
My teenaged
niece Elizabeth was nervous as she went
for her first driving lesson.
Her instructor was also new and nervous and feeling his way.
As she was pulling out of the car park, the instructor said,
"Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind
know what you're doing."
Elizabeth turned to the pupils in the back seat and announced, "I'm going
left."
A Parish priest was involved in a minor
accident with a cyclist.
He stopped his car and rushed back to apologise.
Anxious to make amends, he gave the cyclist his calling card,
saying that if ever he could be of assistance,
the man had only to contact him.
When the cyclist arrived home later he found
the card read:
"Father Sean O'Flaherty is sorry he missed you today."
"I
turned the way I signalled," said the lady driver,
indignantly, after the bad crash.
"I know it," retorted the man. "That's what fooled me!"
Driving instructor: "Now madam,
this is the gear lever ;
down there are the pedals with the clutch on the left,
and next to it, in the middle, is the
brake,
and next to that, on the right, is the accelerator."
Lady: "Just a minute! Let's take one thing at a time.
Teach me to drive first."
When the family buys a new car:
Father's question: "How many miles to the litre does it do?"
Mother's question: "What colour is the upholstery?"
Daughter's question: "Has it a good mirror"
Son's question: "How fast will she go?"
Neighbours question: "Where the blazes did they get the money
A blonde was driving down the centre of the road at 120 km/hr.
A Garda (police officer) pulled him/her over to the side of the road.
When she/he had stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration please."
"It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," she/he
said smiling.
"That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a license."
The blonde then reached into her/his purse and handed him her license.
Astonished, the Officer said, "Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license,
I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration."
She/he pointed to the bottom of the license, "See? it says so right here:
'Tear Along The Dotted Line'."
* Please note - NO offence meant to anyone
I love good family humour, and need to constantly update my illustrations to pupils.
I often use humour in my teaching
to make a point.
Please
email in any good driving humour.
I will try and publish a variety of the best I receive from time to time.